Showing Up
I had a little blue suitcase that was perfect for the job. I think perhaps it was my sister’s, a gift from my Aunt Mary K, but no matter, by the time she figured out I had it I would be long gone.
I was 5 at the time that I realized I was no longer wanted. I would make it easy for my parents and run away so they wouldn’t have to go through the difficult chore of finding someplace to send me. This was not the first time I had run away. Being number three in a family of four with two older sisters and a younger brother I knew I was the black sheep of the family. I was sure I had been adopted since my siblings ganged up on me and I didn’t seem to be like anyone else in the family. I knew in my heart of hearts I didn’t belong.
I would pack the little blue suitcase with some food, crackers, cookies, anything that didn’t require too much prep time for once I realized I had no choice but to leave I didn’t have much time before someone would discover my plans. So I packed quickly and lightly. I threw my pajamas in, a flashlight, my favorite bracelet, and a hairbrush. I tried to squeeze my baby dear doll in but alas she was too big so I would tuck her under my arm because there was no leaving her. Then I would slip out the door certain that no one would see me. I might make just a little noise in case someone wanted to stop me.
Once outside I looked around to decide which way to go. I had no destination in mind I just knew I could no longer live where I wasn’t wanted. I sighed and headed down the street. I never made it much farther than the Coffin’s, three houses down. I figured that was far enough to worry everyone if in fact they noticed I was gone. I found a tree to lean up against and the tears would come.
Sometimes it would be 15 minutes, sometimes a half hour, but eventually my Mom would come looking for me. She would sit down beside me and ask where I was headed.
“I don’t know” I would say. “Anywhere but here.”
“Didn’t you think that we might miss you?” she asked.
“No, not really” I replied.
“Oh Laura” my Mom would say “we would all miss you very much. I do wish you would come home with me.”
She would put her arm around me and pull me up close to her and I would blubber out the most recent reason I felt I was unwanted and unloved. She never chastised me, she would just listen. Then she would give me a hug and ask me to come home. And of course I would.
No doubt I always knew my mother would come looking for me. That’s why I only went three houses away. Far enough to make it look like I really wanted to run away but close enough that my mother could find me because in reality it never occurred to me that she wouldn’t come looking.
When I was raising the four boys as a young mother and was perpetually overwhelmed with their physical and emotional needs I would every once in awhile find myself driving past Oakland Airport. I would fantasize about getting on a plane to, I didn’t care where, but most preferably a white sandy beach running up to crystal blue water. I would think about going back to the days of only having to worry about me and my needs and not everyone else. I would watch the planes taking off and long for that freedom like I long for chocolate after a big meal.
I know that running away is not the answer. It wasn’t the answer when I was 5, it wasn’t the answer when I was 35. But it sure is tempting. To go somewhere where no one needs me. Where nobody knows my indiscretions, my fears, my history. I could tuck all of my regrets and problems away in the back of my mind and forget about all my responsibilities.
But it doesn’t work that way, does it. The most important thing we can do in our life is show up. Show up when all the kids are sick with chicken pox and your husband is out of town.
Show up when the baby is being clingy, the 2 year old has bilateral ear infections, the 4 year old is afraid to go to sleep at night and the 6 year old is fighting with his brother. Show up when the school is asking you to volunteer - again, and everyone at work seems to be against you. Show up when all you have eaten all day are the leftovers from your kids’ meals, you feel like you are coming down with a cold and you haven’t slept in three nights. Show up for your job, show up for your family, show up for your friends. And hopefully, if you are truly blessed, you will have people showing up for you.
And so should any of my grandchildren come to me and tell me they want to run away, no matter how busy or distracted I am, no matter how many times I have told them that I love them, I will take them in my arms just as my Mom took me in hers and I will ask them “Don’t you think we might miss you?” Because showing up for them will teach them that the most important thing we can do in our life is show up.